Shannon Hunter, Author at Womens Post

Uncategorized July 4, 2013

Relationship deal breakers

Recently one of my closest friends has been arguing with her manfriend of two years. She doesn’t want babies and he does; is that a deal breaker? They seem to think that it might be and I don’t blame him or her because how can she be the girl that stops him from being a father? The resentment and the guilt would ruin whatever love they have for each other, maybe not today or even a couple years from now, but eventually they would hate each other.

I don’t know if I want babies, I don’t think I do, and I’ve told Boyfriend that from day one. Children are not in my plan and he seems to be okay with that. But every once and a while I worry that maybe one day that will be a deal breaker for him. Maybe one day he’ll want to be a dad and it will feel like it’s too late to make that decision.

It’s strange that I’m in this place now, that at 25 I think about the wedding and the babies and I wonder what I want five years from now. Do I want to be a mother or a wife? Or will fur babies and common law do for me?

I think about a future with Boyfriend a lot; he’s my person and a future without him seems impossible to imagine, but I could do it if it meant that he got what he wanted or needed out of life, if it meant that he was happier then I could do it. But I wonder what his deal breakers are. Is there something that he needs as much as my friend’s man needs to be a father? I like to think that we’ve been honest enough with each other these past nine months, that if there was something he needed that I couldn’t give that we could end it rather than stay together and hurt each other.

When I imagine our future I think about the little things: moving in together, getting a puppy and enjoying the day to day. I’m not excited to walk down the aisle because who knows if I’ll ever make it there but I’m excited for the day when we wake up together and neither of us have to rush home. I’m excited for the day when we do the IKEA trip — partially because we need furniture and partially because testing your relationship in the hell that is IKEA is fun in a sick and twisted kind of way.

Maybe we don’t have any deal breakers, maybe we won’t have to worry that we love each other but want different things, but if that day comes I hope I’m strong enough to say goodbye. I won’t lie though: I think Boyfriend and I have a bright future ahead of us, many stupid IKEA arguments, late night conversations about nothing and breakfasts in bed. We can do anything and we have all the time in the world to figure it out.

Uncategorized June 27, 2013

We need to talk: The worst words you can hear in a relationship

“We need to talk,” are probably the four worst words you can hear in a relationship, whether that relationship is friendly or romantic literally nothing good happens after that sentence.

Last week I said those words, not to Boyfriend, but to one of my best friends. I told her that it was time we had a chat about her insistence on returning to her ex over and over and over again. They broke up a while ago because they have very different views on relationships and several other reasons that are not mine to tell. The day they broke up I was there for her and I was there for her every time she took him back after that but there comes a point when you just can’t do it anymore. So I told her, after seeing her falter and slide back into their old routine, that we had to talk, now.

There is no good time to tell your friend that you hate her boyfriend, there really isn’t, but after the break up you should feel safe to tell her that she can do better. Shouldn’t you? Not when she keeps going back to the same guy.

But you can only watch your friends hurt for so long before saying something isn’t really a choice but a necessity; our friendship now has a rule, no more talking about her ex and I can’t be the shoulder to cry on anymore.

The whole talk was short but I felt terrible. I felt like I shouldn’t be allowed to comment on someone’s broken relationship when mine is going so well, like somehow I lost my right to say something when I met Boyfriend.

In the end I want my friend to be happy, that’s it. I want her to see how beautiful and talented she is; I want her to walk away from the man who’s only made her miserable and my opinion wouldn’t be any different if I were still single. I’m thankful that my friends never let me go back to some of the guys I dated before Boyfriend; one night my best friends spent two hours talking me out of a relationship with a boy who had been awful to me but I had never been able to see it.

Sometimes we all need a talking to–not all the time, but sometimes–and it helps. Maybe I couldn’t make my friend change her mind about her ex but at least someone finally told her the truth, at least finally someone said, “We need to talk.” If it had to be someone, I’m glad it was me. I doubt my friend knows how much she means to me but I hope one day to be sitting at her wedding watching her in love and happy.

Love isn’t easy. Some people are worth fighting for and some just aren’t. If you’re not happy, give up the fight and go find someone who will love you, someone who your friends can at the very least respect.

Uncategorized June 21, 2013

Shannon Hunter: The perfect time to say ‘I love you’

There have been a couple of moments recently where I’ve realized that I’m not just in love with Boyfriend, I’m head over heels cartoon birds singing me songs when I wake up IN LOVE. But I still don’t know how to say it; probably because I’ve spent the past couple of weeks trying to find the perfect time to say the words, “I. Love. You.”

I don’t think there is a perfect time though, I don’t think that we need to be on the island with all of our friends, or on a trip to the beach or anything other than with each other; as many times as I’ve said it to the air for it to count he kind of has to be in the same room and within hearing distance.

I’ve taken to poking at him and saying his name but every time he says, “What?” I sing-song, “Never mind,” which drives him mad but it’s become an inside joke between us; it reminds me of The Princess Bride, never mind is my as you wish.

I was afraid before, afraid to wait the eons that exist between, I love you and I love you too, but now my fear is outweighed by my desire to tell him how much he means to me. I’m a lucky girl, how I ended up with someone who can make my heart speed up and slowdown in the same breath I don’t know. But I do know that I am a lucky girl. I never thought I would find someone who fit perfectly in to my life and into my heart.

I’m terrified that he won’t say it back, I’ve never been more afraid of anything, but I don’t need to find the perfect time to tell him that I love him, I just need to tell him. I can tell him when we’re making dinner, when we’re going for a swim at my pool or when we’re sitting on the couch watching more HBO than we probably should; because there is no perfect time to tell someone that your life is better with them in it.

So my life is better with Boyfriend in it and I need him to know that because the words are practically bursting from my throat, because saying it is better than not saying it, because even if he doesn’t say it back I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. But he better say it.

Maybe I’ll say it tomorrow, maybe I’ll say it the next time he wears the blue shirt that makes his own blue eyes sparkle, maybe I’ll say it the next time I fall asleep next to him after a day in the sunshine or maybe I’ll just say it the next time he smiles at me. I’ll never find the right time and nothing in life is ever perfect but maybe I’ll luck out and find a slightly more appropriate time than while playing video games or falling asleep.

Uncategorized June 13, 2013

Stand by me

Last week was incredibly stressful, I had a lot going on and I felt all kinds of overwhelmed — but when I needed him most there was Boyfriend with a smile, a hug, and a plan.

On Friday night he rented a car, picked me up after work and we went off on an impromptu road trip to Niagara Falls; it rained almost all night but we were undeterred we went for dinner at a Brazilian steak house, went to all the tourist traps and visited the falls in the rain. While we stood beside the falls hiding under the $12 umbrella that we purchased at a gift shop Boyfriend insisted on having a make-out session in the rain because he saw it in a movie once and thought it would be funny. It was. It was also only slightly, just a little bit, romantic. I fell asleep in the car on the way home and the evening came to a perfect end.

The next day we took off again, this time to Port Dover, for mini-golf, lunch by the beach and walks in the sand. It was a wonderful way to spend a Saturday especially because we finished the day by racing around in go-karts in the rain, he won three times, I won once – but I won last which basically makes me the winner supreme.

Knowing that I have Boyfriend by my side makes me feel like I can tackle anything the world throws at me because I know that no matter what happens he’ll always be there with a ridiculous joke, a terrible pun, a picture of his cats doing something insane or just a hug and he gives the best hugs. Boyfriend believes in me, really believes that I can do anything I put my mind to and that kind of support is something rare and worth holding on to.

When I was little I used to get angry at my mum because she would always try and make me laugh when I was crying and sometimes all you want to do is cry and stamp your feet and be mad at the world but my mum would never let me do that; Boyfriend is like that, no matter how upset or stressed out I am, he does his very best to make me laugh when all I want to do is be grumpy and stamp my feet. Sometimes the solution is cake sometimes it’s letting me listen to the country music that he hates while we drive 2 hours from home for dinner and a visit to the wax museum.

Boyfriend is my person and when I get good news he’s the first person I want to call and when I get bad news he’s the first person I need to talk to and no matter how stressed out or crazy the world gets I know he’ll be by my side, probably attempting to make me smile when all I want to do is be angry; it’s just hard to be angry when you’re head over heels for your boyfriend.

Uncategorized June 13, 2013

I Picked You

Last weekend Boyfriend and I got into a bit of a tiff. I had jokingly said, “Let’s talk about our relationship and the future and be all romantic and stuff.” To which he responded, “We don’t need to talk about the future. We’ll just keep having fun and petting kittens and being together.” Aside from noticing that we tend to speak like children of the internet on a regular basis, I was a little put off by the idea that he just saw the future as same old, same old and never moving forward because that is definitely not what I want our relationship to be.

Having grown up in a household where yelling was how most discussions happened I am always a little nervous to have a real discussion because I don’t like yelling and I don’t like fighting. Because of this, I avoided having a conversation about why I was upset and I just let it sit for a day. The next day Boyfriend came over and insisted that we talk because I had been acting “weird.” And he needed to know why. So after a lot of avoiding I finally told him why I was upset and his response made it all better.

When I told Boyfriend that I was upset because I was afraid he was just passing the time with me and it wouldn’t matter if I was me or any other girl he responded by saying, “Shan, I picked you. I could have been with someone else but I wanted you, I picked you.” So we’re not perfect and it isn’t easy but we picked each other and even if the future is uncertain I think it’s worth figuring it out together.

I wish I wasn’t so afraid of confrontation. I can do it at work, in interviews and on twitter but when it comes to someone I care about it’s really hard for me to say what I think when I’m upset. I’m afraid that with one wrong turn he’ll leave me because everyone who came before did. But that’s kind of how it works isn’t it? All the ones that came before were wrong because you have to wade through all the bad relationships to find the good ones.

Whatever happens in the future with Boyfriend I know that he chose to be with me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else and for now I’m happy with the plan for the future which is simply to keep being happy and having fun. Eventually we’re going to have this conversation for real and without all the interweb speak, except that there totally will be interweb speak because we’re nerds of epic proportions. At that point we’ll have to see if we’re ready to go in the same direction because a year from now I’m going to want to live together and in two years I’ll want to think about other options for our future.

For now the future is a little bit uncertain but at least I know I have someone who gets the joke when I ask husky owners if their dog’s name is moon-moon.

Follow Shannon on Twitter at @Shananigans.

Uncategorized May 30, 2013

Anniversaries

Last weekend Boyfriend and I went out for brunch because that’s what Toronto couples do on Sundays. I made a joke about neither of us knowing our actual anniversary, which I thought was funny until he told me that he actually did know when it was. I assumed that he was teasing but then he passed me his phone which has a reminder on September 20th that it is our anniversary.

It’s really the little things that matter and the fact that he not only remembered our first date but bothered to include it in his calendar blew me away.

The last anniversary I can remember was with the Big Ex and by that point he was already cheating – when I texted to say “happy anniversary” I didn’t even receive a response. We broke up a couple weeks later. So to find out that Boyfriend is already assuming that we’ll make it through this anniversary and the next makes me smile in that dorky I’m-so-in-love kind of way.

When you’re happy you don’t need to rush; if things are going to work out then you can take your time getting there and enjoy all the little milestones. We have an anniversary coming up in September and there’s a lot to enjoy between now and then: summer cottages, BBQs with friends, concerts, beach days and road trips.

In Toronto couples have a tendency to move too quickly. They move in together before they’re ready to because rent is high, they let their relationships move at the pace of the city and lose each other in the rush. I just want to keep getting to know Boyfriend, keep falling in love and keep finding out new things about each other.

But as much as I love taking things somewhat slowly, because there’s no need to rush when you know things are right, I also love that he knows when our anniversary is. It makes me blush, it makes me feel like a total girl for enjoying it and it makes me smile.

I’ve said this before (and I’m probably going to keep saying it) but I’ve never had a relationship that wasn’t plagued with one problem or another. I’ve never had a boy care enough about me to put me in a calendar. I’ve always been the one who cares the most in a relationship and it’s amazing to feel like a real partner rather than a girl with a crush begging for attention from someone you’re supposed to be dating.

I didn’t remember our anniversary but I do remember our first kiss, I remember the first time he held my hand, I remember the first time he made me dinner, I remember that when I was waiting for a job offer he was the one who told me a million times that I didn’t need to worry. It’s the moments that I remember because it’s the moments that make us work. I can’t wait to see what happens next, and because it’s finally summer I kind of hope it involves a patio or a beach.

Travel May 16, 2013

Business travel

This is the second time since March that Boyfriend and I have been separated by time zones and countries, but the first time was infinitely easier. The first time I was away at SXSW, a huge film, tech and music festival, and I was surrounded by friends from home so it was hard to miss him. This time I’m on my own and making one of the largest career changes of my life and I want him here.

Last night he stayed up late so that I could call him. We ended up talking until well past 2 a.m. his time even though he had to be at work today and I know he’ll be exhausted because he talked to me until he knew I felt better and more confident. Sometimes life moves so fast that you forget to pay attention and sometimes life moves so fast that all you can do is pay attention to every single moment; right now I’m in the latter description and I’m starting to be afraid of all the little changes, but Boyfriend does everything he can to make me feel better. His idea of making me feel better is telling me that I am “Incorrect” when I worry that I might have made the wrong choice. It’s his belief in me that makes me feel stronger.

Last night after we got off the phone, when my mind was feeling like it could stop spinning and questioning and doing the mental equivalent of loop-de-loops with my emotions, I put on a shirt I have of his and hugged a pillow until I fell asleep. I don’t know what it is about wearing Boyfriend’s clothes but it almost feels like a long distance hug when I do. I know it’s a girl thing, we steal sweaters and t-shirts and keep relationships with the clothes longer than we do with the man who used to wear them, but when you first steal that t-shirt it’s just because it smells like him, it feels like him and it’s the best thing you have to connect the two of you when you’re apart.

It’s funny how after an hour long conversation with Boyfriend everything suddenly seems easier to deal with; I made the right career choice, change is good and I need to stop being so afraid of my own.

I never thought I’d find someone who understood how to make me laugh and how to talk me off the ledge. Right now, three hours behind him, I feel as close to him as ever because I know all I need to do is call and he’ll be right there telling me I’m being an idiot and laughing at me over the phone. That’s a lot nicer than it sounds, but our relationship doesn’t make much sense because we’re both completely weird, in a totally charming way.

Uncategorized April 1, 2013

Meeting the folks PART 2

When I first started dating Mr. Unexpected I told him flat out that he wouldn’t be meeting my mother because I do not introduce the boys I date to my mom, ever.

But after I met his parents my mom was pretty strict about the fact that she would be meeting Mr. Unexpected; and to be honest, for the first time ever I actually wanted her to meet a boyfriend.

I’ve always joked, in a self-deprecating and not entirely healthy way, that I was the girl you take home, not the girl you take home to mom. The relationships I’ve had over the past couple of years have been full of lust but never love, not really. And I hated the idea of introducing my mom to someone temporary because she isn’t temporary: she’s my favourite person in the world. You don’t introduce someone temporary to your favourite person.

So two days after I get back from Austin next week I’ll be sitting down to dinner with my mom, her lovely husband and my boyfriend. It’s kind of a big moment for me. I’m not sure I’m the marrying kind, I’m not interested in gushing over babies and I am terrible at sharing feelings; but this thing I’m doing, acknowledging that I’m with someone to my mom, this is something I can do.

There aren’t any Facebook milestones for people like me. I don’t have a relationship status and I’m not getting engaged any time soon, I’m just trying to accept intimacy into my life and they don’t give you a badge for being somewhat normal.

When I told Mr. Unexpected that my mom was coming to visit and that we’d all be going to dinner he said, “I knew I’d break you.” He knows me better than I do myself sometimes and he knew eventually that I’d come around. He knew that when I felt ready for the parental thing I would ask.

On top of meeting my mom Mr. Unexpected and I have plans to go away for a weekend and to spend Easter weekend with his family. I have to admit I kind of love the intimacy we have, even if that means embracing family dinners outside of the city and being introduced to family and friends as ‘the girlfriend.’

I couldn’t have guessed that we’d be here now. Going back I think about how all of this started at a chance meeting in a TIFF movie lineup when a friend brought me along because I was bored; I think about how in October I wasn’t even sure if he wanted to make it official; and finally I think about how in the past five months I’ve become a better person because of him.

I couldn’t have predicted any of this would happen but I’m happy and all those dark and twisty feelings are starting to fade away because when he’s around I can’t help but smile and laugh.

Uncategorized April 1, 2013

Meeting the folks

So it finally happened: I met the parents. It’s been years since I’ve had to meet the folks. The Big Ex didn’t want his family to meet me so they wouldn’t get too attached to me; in hindsight this should have concerned me. My lack of parental contact over the past seven years combined with my string of not-quite relationships left me unprepared and more than a little nervous when it came to meeting the boyfriend’s parents.

To his credit Mr. Unexpected made it as easy on me as possible. We didn’t meet his parents at a fancy restaurant or brunch where I would probably have had too many mimosas in an effort to get comfortable. We met them at Tim Horton’s at King and John, close to home and so simple I couldn’t help but feel like myself.

The key to meeting new people is always having a sense of comfort, but to have all the pressure taken off also shows how much Mr. Unexpected cares about me. He knew I wasn’t totally excited about the prospect of meeting his family, he knew I was nervous and he knew that my past would make this particular meeting fairly difficult for me, but he did his best to make it easy. When his mother sat down I was actually reminded of my own mom: she’s sweet with a slight sarcastic edge and a down-home vibe, which made the whole experience feel like coffee with an old friend rather than the boyfriend’s parents.

While I won’t readily admit to wanting to get married and I’m always going to put my career first, there is a small part of me that fantasizes about being with a man who has a family that I love. My own family has changed over the years and I miss the big Christmases, the Easter dinners and the fire alarm going off every Sunday when dinner inevitably burns and everyone argues over what kind of take out to order. I’ve never seen family as this perfect beautiful thing but I miss the messiness of it all. I miss hearing the same story for the four billionth time about how my uncle convinced my grandfather that the soap he was making was actually white fudge.

Part of being in a relationship is being a part of the family, and while at first I wasn’t sure about it I feel more sure than ever that I can be part of Mr. Unexpected’s life and not just the easy parts. When I signed up for the girlfriend thing I signed up for all of it and I’m just now realizing exactly what that means but— and I won’t tell him this—I really like it.

The only problem with meeting his folks is that I had to tell my mother and now she’s wondering when she gets to meet him. She lives in Ottawa. Maybe it’s time for a road trip.

Uncategorized April 1, 2013

Deep calming breaths

This week has been one hell of a week. My father is once again seeking contact and this time he’s attempting to do so through a lawyer; my little brother was in an accident; and work has been bananas. Needless to say I’m taking a lot of deep calming breaths in between shots of whiskey.

I don’t handle certain types of stress well. Work is something I can handle; I am an expert in my field and I know how to deal with any situation that comes my way, but family stress is something that sends me off the rails. Through everything Mr. Unexpected has been a star. He is calm and understanding, lets me rant until I’ve exploded crazy all over the room and not once has he told me to stop because he understands that I need to let the crazy out.

When I first told him about the lawsuit he was a little blown away, understandably so, but it wasn’t long before he was helping me devise a plan to get through it. He is my calm in the storm; he is the reason that I am still standing instead of sitting in a puddle of sad on the floor.

I’ve never been in a relationship like this. I’ve had great love but I’ve never had a real partner, I’ve never had someone that I knew would be there for me whatever the situation.

There is a huge difference between having a man-friend and having a partner. Knowing that you have someone there who will help you, support you and love you is what makes the online dating, the terrible first dates, the heart stopping break-ups and the devastating loss all worth it. For the first time in my life I am not afraid to ask for the treatment I deserve and I’m not afraid that asking for it will make him run in the opposite direction.

Love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship; love without support is all heat and no substance.

This week has felt like a bit of a nightmare. If I didn’t have the support network that I do I think it would have swallowed me whole, but according to Mr. Unexpected giving up is not an option and that is non-negotiable.

I’m grateful to all the men that came before. They gave me perspective and that stops me from taking my relationship for granted. I am incredibly lucky to have someone in my life that not only loves me but supports and respects me.

So, world, what else have you got for me? Whatever it is, I can take it.