5 types of ponytails and what they say about your miserable life

Much like lines on your palm or your astrological sign, analyzing your ponytail is a highly accurate method of mystically predicting personality traits and life trajectories.  Instead of the boring old soccer-practice ponytails (you already know what happens in that ponytail life because you live it), we’re going to take a look at several unique deviations from ponytail norms and all the life-crazy that accompanies these awesome hair-don’ts.

1. The High Ponytail

“No hangover will stop me from breaking the glass ceiling.”

High ponytail wearers are the queens of their own tiny universes — essentially real life Miss Trunchbulls, but hot.  High ponytails have gotten plenty of hungover-but-still-high-functioning business women through meetings and forced Lean In sessions with Sheryl Sandberg. Pulled back tight’n’high on the head, a high ponytail will keep your eyes open and face looking perky, if pained.  The tightness of ponytail corresponds with the level of anal retentiveness of the wearer.  A very tight high pony is often employed as a makeshift facelift in the months and years between anti-wrinkle creams and surgical “vacations” for its wearers.

2. The Side Ponytail

“I have accepted Ke$ha as my personal savior”

Side ponytail girls refuse to grow up.  The free spirits of the ponytail world, girls with side ponytails just don’t give a shit – they can’t because they know on several levels that they look like ridiculous children.  Once a throwback to the 80’s, now a throwback to that 80’s revival circa 2003, side ponytails are now just a symbol of (lost) youth and innocence. Girls in side ponytails will call their guy daddy when they do it and then play vintage video games with him.  Watch out for their scrunchies and day of the week undies.

3. The Low Ponytail

“Is this for my new lab ID card?”

As a universally unflattering hairstyle, low-ponytail wearers are usually somewhere on the spectrum of differently minded, though this could result in genius, insanity, or both.  Low ponytails, lab coats, goggles, and Smart Set clothing are often clustered together.  Fortunately, most wearers of low-ponytails are too wrapped up in cell division, fluid mechanics, Guild Wars, or ping pong to be aware of how god-awful they look.  Unfortunately this also means low-ponytails can go unwashed and unbrushed for weeks.

4. The Top Braid

“Do kids these days still play dominoes?”

Top braid ladies (and they are definitely ladies, not girls) wear windbreaker suits and paint in their spare time.  But really, all their time is spare time because they are a bit too wacky to do much else for very long.  Often found heading up their local mall walkers association, top braid wearers are constantly attempting to defy their status as geriatric while maintaining youthful vigor through their diminishing supply of hair.  The top braid just makes it all functional.  Listen while they hum and whistle little ditties to their extensive collection of cacti.

5. Adult Pigtails

“Lets play alternate-ending Hansel and Gretel!”

People with adult pigtails are serial killers. See that panel van?  Yeah, RUN.